in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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