I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
