my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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