i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
