Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
be right there i have to get my cape
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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