Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
