LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize