That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
