yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
