textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
