ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
