Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm always down for nudity.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
