Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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