I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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