i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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