There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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