my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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