false alarm. still invincible.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
