Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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