and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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