How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
