She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
