Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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