the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
