when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
