You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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