Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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