I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
