New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
