finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
