Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
