i need an iv and a liver transplant
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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