New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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