I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize