Kiss
Puke
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
