i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
