Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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