Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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