My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
