I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
