i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
