How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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