I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
