Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
BRING THE BAGELS
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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