I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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