dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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