wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize