I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
