So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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