omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize