Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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