I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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