from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
