so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
