I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
