Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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