Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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